it’s been a little over a month since my brother passed away. and i still find myself crying most nights. i miss him so very much…with every fiber of my being. i still haven’t been able to adjust to the fact that he’s gone. i ache to hear him laugh, so very badly. i try to remind myself that he’s in a better place now, that now he feels no pain or discomfort. but it really doesn’t help. at all.
i can’t imagine ever not feeling this way. like my heart isn’t really there. my little brother was my world, he was everything good about life. i can’t imagine shopping for a wedding dress and him not being there to say yay or nay. or getting a hair cut or debating a tattoo without his opinion. i know i have to let the sorrow go before it swallows me whole. but i can’t. i can’t let it go.
i find myself thinking back to the last time i saw him. he had insisted my sister take him to my job so that he could eat lunch with me. he stared at me through out the whole lunch. it was two days before he passed away, i think i know that he already knew then. which is why he insisted on lunch with me. we shared a chocolate candy bar. i ran my fingers through his hair and told him i loved him. i also told him i’d see him soon, that we would make plans for him to come over and spend the night. that would be the last time i saw my brother alive. sometimes i think maybe i should’ve said more, done more.
i know my brother knew i loved, love, him. we shared a special bond, a bond i could never recreate with anyone else. and i know if he saw me crying he would frown and stare at me until i stopped. but i can’t stop the tears. i can’t stop the hurt.